SEE YOU IN SEPTEMBER

Your one-stop blog for news, satire, and thinly-veiled socialism will be taking a short break over the summer, with no new posts until September 2014. In the meantime, quench your thirst for ill-disguised rants against Nick Clegg by perusing our archived posts in the top right hand corner.

So then, until September – keep watching the skies.

TOM FROM DOWN THE PUB’S WORLD CUP BID IN CORRUPTION DISGRACE

The Times claims it has “millions of documents” proving Tom used bribes of up to three pints to sway judging panel.

Part of Tom’s fucking massive garden - the proposed site for 2026.

Tom, 42, who you never really liked anyway because he was always a bit shifty when it came to his round, has been implicated in a corruption scandal surrounding his 2026 World Cup bid.

Allegations have been made just hours after Qatar’s bid for the 2022 competition has also been called into question.

The Times said today that it has amassed “millions of documents” that state explicitly that Tom was “definitely trying to get the 2026 bid by any means necessary.”

"Any means necessary", the report went on to say, included bribes of up to three pints for FIFA Officials if they "would put in a good word down at the old HQ".

Tom, who has a bit of a dodgy past with that girl from number four, claimed that he could easily host the 2026 World Cup as he’s “just had the patio done”.

He went on to describe in great detail the work and “man hours” put into the job, concluding that “it’s always best when you’ve done it yourself, though, isn’t it.”

He claimed that his garden was “well suited” for hosting the competition, as it “has two levels to it, right, and one of them is flat as anything so you could easily play a game on it. Crowd could sit on top level and look down, so long as they mind the hydrangeas.”

Local experts backed up Tom’s claim, attesting that they’ve seen his garden and “it’s fucking massive.”

However, regulars down at The Fox and Hound have raised concerns about the venture. Andy Mullet, the one with the weird eye, had this to say:

"Tom’s one of those that’s alright for a pint or two, but you wouldn’t want to spend much time with him. I relaid his kitchen tiles five or six years ago and he wouldn’t shut up about his bloody daughter and her dance exam. No, he’s not a suitable host. You’re best off having it down at old playing fields. They’ve got a pavilion that with a lick of paint could be a nice place to have a pint or two between games."

The girl from number four was unavailable for comment.

NICK CLEGG: “WELL, SHIT”

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has responded to his party’s poor performance in Thursday’s local elections.

The Liberal Democrats lost 307 seats throughout the country, leaving the party with the lowest share of the national vote at 13% - behind UKIP’s 17% and well behind Labour’s 31%. 

This is bad news for Nick Clegg, who soiled the name of “liberal democracy” when he entered into a coalition with David Cameron in 2010. Since then, he has been desperately trying to carve a name for his party as the second-most powerful political organisation in the country: these miserable results, however, show just the opposite.

Despite being Deputy Prime Minister and supposedly the second-most powerful man in Britain, Clegg has shown throughout all his years in office to have no control over policy in the UK. He has broken countless promises, including the only thing that encouraged young people to vote Lib Dem: that he would vote against raising tuition fees (see video here). He’s been humiliated by in-party squabbling, and even his token power play of getting a referendum on proportional representation was a damp squib.

His reaction to this further humiliation has been somewhat restrained, then, given his history in government. The Oracle spoke to Mr Clegg earlier today and asked him what his opinion of the results were:

"Shit, frankly. Complete and utter balls. I can’t believe that we’ve gone from being the second-least powerful party to the least powerful party. It’s a long way to fall from the top, sure; but in some ways, it’s even longer from just above the bottom. 

I really thought that I could fuck the young voters and get away with it by simply apologising, but it seems I was wrong. Maybe I should try apologising through interpretive dance next time? Would that make them take me seriously? I’ll ask Dave if he’ll let me.

In many ways, I’m disappointed in my party for under-performing to the the extent that we basically don’t have a party anymore - but then, you can’t blame it all on the Lib Dems. We’re taking a kicking for the mistakes made by the government, and that’s unfair. Yes, I know we are the government, but it’s still unfair that we get justifiably low electoral results. What happened to corruption? I’ll ask Dave if he can bring it back.

No, I don’t plan to resign. I’m not a coward. And also, this could very easily be the last job I have. Would you employ someone who has been consistently proven to be a compulsive liar? Would you employ someone who has literally taken money from starving families? The only place that’d take me is the Conservative Party. I’ll ask Dave.”

European Elections 2014

Thailand’s military has today suspended the constitution. TV broadcasts and political gatherings have been banned. The cabinet has been told to report to the military. A curfew from 10pm to 5am has been enforced.

You live in a democracy where none of this has happened. Today you have a chance to exercise the privilege and responsibility of voting. If you think the system is broken, don’t just sit back and let it crumble; work within it and make a positive change.

People in Thailand today lost their voice. You still have yours. There are four hours left to vote: if you haven’t already, please do it now. It does make a difference.

Thinking of voting UKIP today?

Thinking of voting UKIP today?

PRINCE CHARLES: “NO, I SAID ‘PUDDING’”

Claims that Prince Charles likened Putin to Hitler earlier this week on a visit to Canada have been refuted by the heir to the throne, who claims that he “said ‘pudding’, not Putin”.

Prince Charles and an offending pudding

The claims come after a Polish war refugee who met Prince Charles in Nova Scotia said that in a conversation about Hitler’s takeover of countries in the 1930s, the Prince said “it’s not unlike what Putin’s doing”.

Marienne Ferguson, 78, left Poland in 1939 and now volunteers at the Nova Scotia Museum of Immigration. It was here that she and the prince had their now-infamous exchange of remarks.

"It was just a little comment," she said later, "I didn’t think it would cause such an uproar."

The uproar comes from the widely-held belief that the Prince of Wales, as an unelected official, should not get involved in international politics; be it with “little comments” or “nuclear weapons”. Such a transgression of this unwritten rule is fodder to those who would call for the monarchy to be abolished and an elected head of state to be set up in its place.

However, the Prince of Wales broke silence just hours ago to issue a corrective statement:

"I have come to learn that a conversation I had in Nova Scotia has become public knowledge. The conversation was centred on Hitler’s actions in the 1930s, in particular his all-consuming take-over of European states. At this point, I drew a comparison between Hitler’s swift occupation of countless countries, and the similarly swift infiltration of countries by pudding. I was referring, of course, to the terrific and total domination of the worldwide food industry by puddings, not - as Ms. Ferguson misheard - to Vladimir Putin’s actions in Ukraine."

While the Prince’s correction does diffuse international tension between Charles and Putin - whom he is due to meet next month at D-Day Commemorations - it raises further significant questions about the relationship between the British Crown and the international pudding industry. 

"Prince Charles has risked alienating many international pudding and dessert manufacturers with his controversial anti-pudding comment," says BBC Royal Correspondent Peter Hunt, "which will no doubt have a negative effect on the British economy. Does the Prince include savoury puddings in his condemnation? If so, then where does this leave the Yorkshire Pudding? And for Mr Kipling, who is still suffering from the terrible allegations that many British railway bridges are made of cake behind him, the Prince of Wales’ comment can only further damage his company."

BOKO HARAM SAYS: “OH, OKAY THEN”

Boko Haram has agreed to concede defeat after Twitter campaign #BringBackOurGirls is endorsed by celebrities worldwide.

Boko Haram, a fundamentalist Islam terror group who has plagued Nigeria with bombings and violence for years, was recently at the centre of a mass kidnapping of over 200 schoolgirls a month ago.

Since then, public support for international intervention has risen to a fever pitch, reaching levels of hashtagging unseen since the #Kony2012 campaign. The hashtag #BringBackOurGirls has been trending for over a week, and many high-ranking celebrities have joined the call for someone, anywhere, to do something remotely effective.

Such high-ranking supporters include Leona Lewis, Alexa Chung, Amy Poehler, and Cara Delevingne.

Presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton, First Lady Michelle Obama, and Prime Minister David Cameron have also joined the call for people in power to do something effective, with Cameron allegedly saying that “I might send Nick in with a gun, who knows.”

Such support has evidently hit the Boko Haram group hard, as today the leader Abubakar Shekau tweeted “Oh, okay then”, and proceeded to reveal the coordinates of his secret hideout.

"Thought I could withstand #bringbackourgirls, but seeing @LeonaLewis tweet it has hit me hard. You can have them" he later added.

It would seem that legions of people tweeting about a problem has solved it, instead of just filling up people’s Twitter feeds with half-hearted holier-than-thou hashtagging. Who would have thought it?

"I was afraid that PM David Cameron might do something effective," continued Shekau in a later tweet, "but seeing him hold up a sign has struck fear more deeply than any military action."

"We would not want to make Mr Cameron have to hold up more signs. That would be too much for us to bear."

 

Stubborn response.

Stubborn response.

RUSSIA EUROVISION BOOING HAS “HIT PUTIN HARD”

Russian President may now consider ceasing all warmongering.

Sources have reported that Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation, was “hit hard” by his country being booed at last night’s Eurovision semi-final qualifying contest.

The ex-head of the KGB was reportedly “shaken” by the booing and jeering that Russia’s act, the Tolmachevy Sisters, encountered when it was announced they were through to the final of the annual music contest.

Speculators say that the frosty reception was a direct result of Russia’s recent aggression in Ukraine, and Putin’s clampdown on gay rights that sparked controversy over the Sochi Winter Olympics.

Russia recently annexed Crimea, the semi-autonomous province south of Ukraine, and looks set to annex the eastern parts of the country that are showing separatist desires.

This has been in direct conflict with the West’s admonitions that such actions are “aggressive at best, war-mongering at worst”.

Putin has taken little notice of Western viewpoints so far, ignoring calls for equal rights for homosexuals, and continuing to encourage civil war in Ukraine.

However, it seems that last night’s Eurovision semi-final may have had a deeper effect on Putin’s conscience. Sources close to the President have said that: “When the crowds started booing the Tolmachevy Sisters, Putin’s face dropped into a deep frown.”

"He stood up and walked away from the television, and we could see him standing at the balcony overlooking Moscow. He seemed to be shaking and muttering to himself."

"When he turned back around, it was clear to us all that he had been crying. The tear tracks on his face shone in the moonlight."

“‘What have we become?’ he demanded of us. ‘What have we become, when we are booed at Eurovision? This is not what I became President for.’”

"He then sank down in his chair openly wept. All but his closest advisers were asked to leave."

It has been speculated that last night’s booing at Eurovision may have convinced Vladimir Putin to stop all warmongering in Ukraine, and to focus more on winning back the Eurovision-loving people of Western and Eastern Europe.

"After all," our source said, "what does have a man have, if he does not have Eurovision?"

OPERATION TROJAN HYPOCRITE REVEALS CHRISTIAN PLOTTERS IN SCHOOLS ACROSS UK

Fears that “Church of England” schools may become widespread.

Schools across Britain are likely to have been targeted in an alleged Christian plot to take over classrooms, head teachers warned yesterday.

The National Association of Head Teachers (NAHT) said it had found “concerted efforts” to infiltrate at least 4,500 schools across England, with 25% of all primary schools and 6% of all secondary schools found to be “C of E”.

The Oracle understands that there are growing concerns about the possible infiltration of schools in Bradford, Manchester, London, Liverpool - and indeed every city in England, not to mention many towns and villages.

The acknowledgement from the professional body follows a series of exposés by The Oracle which disclosed how a “Trojan Hypocrite” plot had put schools under pressure to “attend Christian services, regardless of religion”, and to change teaching to reflect radical Christian beliefs.

Yesterday, Ofsted confirmed that its investigation had spread to a total 1 million children across the country.

In a statement, the head teacher’s association said attempts had been made to “alter their character in line with the Christian faith”, including sidelining parts of the curriculum and attempting to influence the appointment of Christian staff.

Lessons such as Religious Education have been compromised by attempts to introduce overt Christian ideology into everyday life, such as prayers to “God” in morning assemblies, the singing of “hymns”, and regular trips to local churches at Christian holidays.

It is the first time a major teachers’ organisation has confirmed that such concerns exist. The plot involves the alleged takeover of state schools and the removal of secular head teachers by Christian staff and governors. 

An inspection report by the Department for Education, leaked to The Oracle, found that boys and girls were forced to sit together “to discourage unnatural sexuality”, syllabuses were “restricted to comply with a conservative Christian teaching”, and on several times preachers were invited to speak to children.

Last week it emerged that Joshua Watson, the alleged creator of these “C of E schools”, wrote a detailed blueprint for the “Christianisation” of state schools in 1811.

Since then, reports show, Church of England schools have been funded by the taxpayer despite the fact that many places are awarded solely on whether the child attends church or not.

Pupils of other faiths, or of no faith at all, have reported feeling “bullied and sidelined” by Christian teachers and pupils, with many feeling that a Christian-leaning education restricts freedom of speech and expression of non-religious idiosyncrasies. 

Areas of “collective concern” included “pressure” on heads to adopt “certain philosophies and approaches” over the appointment of teachers, Russell Hobby, General Secretary of the NAHT, said yesterday.

In a few cases, schools risked “eroding the basic entitlement of children to a rounded education by focusing on Christian ideology”, he added.

Mr Hobby will cover the issue in a keynote speech to the conference today.

He will say “schools should not be places for indoctrination in any creed or ideology, political or religious.”

UKIP CANDIDATE TWEETS ENTIRE CONTENTS OF “MEIN KAMPF”

William Henwood, UKIP candidate, defends tweets as “not racist”.

Henwood, who is standing for council election in this year’s European elections has tweeted the entire contents of Adolf Hitler’s ‘Mein Kampf’ - a cornerstone work of the German Nazi Party, written while Hitler was in prison in Bavaria.

William Henwood took to the social media site today following allegations that previous tweets of his - suggesting that Lenny Henry should go to a “black country” - were “vile racism”.

He has also previously used Twitter to compare Islam to the Third Reich: “Islam reminds me of the 3rd Reich Strength through violence against the citizens.”

He has defended these past tweets, saying that they were “not offensive”. However, Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt said on BBC Radio 5 Live that the tweets were “absolutely disgusting”.

Henwood’s decision to respond to these allegations of racism by tweeting the entire contents of ‘Mein Kampf’ has been met with staunch opposition and bewilderment from across the political spectrum.

In response to one tweet: “Was there any shady undertaking, any form of foulness, especially in cultural life, in which at least one Jew did not participate?”, Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg said “wtf are you doing, son?”

A later tweet discussing the pros and cons of offering Christian teachings to “the negro” was retweeted by UKIP Party Leader Nigel Farage, along with the annotation: “Bloody hell Bill, were u in that plane crash too?!? Sort ur head out.”

However, Mr Henwood has shown no signs of “sorting his head out”: with tweets limited to 140 characters, his mission to tweet the entire contents of Mein Kampf will take him hours if not days to complete; despite the evident enthusiasm with which he is tackling the challenge.

A UKIP party spokesman has said of Henwood’s actions: “Every party has at least one maverick. Bill will sort himself out in the end.”

More on this story as it develops.

ST GEORGE’S DAY MARKED BY VIOLENT DRAGON-SAINT CLASHES ACROSS ENGLAND

Home Counties and London hit hardest by violence after peaceful protests go awry.

England has erupted into chaos after a series of peaceful protests by the National Institute for the Rehabilitation of Dragons (NIRD) turned violent across the country.

The protests were organised by NIRD in an attempt to convince the public that “today’s dragons are not history’s monsters”, and that they should “be allowed to assimilate into day-to-day life, not as creatures, but as friends”.

Peaceful marches were conducted in major cities across England, with the largest - in Guildford, Surrey - attracting over 1000 dragons: the largest single gathering of dragons in 200 years. Dragon-sympathetic humans also joined the march, with many dressed in costumes that depicted their fiery friends.

However, reports came in shortly after the marches began this morning of aggressive movements by the Most Ancient and Noble Order of the Saints, directed at the assembled NIRD supporters. Witnesses claimed that heckling, both verbal and physical, was rampant, and in one case - in Stratford-Upon-Avon - a fire engine was hijacked by renegade saints and used to chase after a group of dragons.

NIRD officials were quick to condemn the disruption of the marches, claiming that the dragons were not a public menace and were simply evoking their right  to peaceful protest. Attempts were made to calm the riled dragons, but a volley of fire extinguishers thrown by saints from the rooftops of Guildford led to violent clashes between dragons and the Most Ancient and Noble Order of the Saints.

Although other marches across the country were continuing peacefully (with those in York and Durham suffering no disruption whatsoever), when word spread that there were clashes in Guildford, violence erupted in most major cities across England. Those with a high dragon population - including Plymouth, Leominster, and Worcester - suffered great fire-and-claw damage to public property.

Violence is also spreading to London, where pro-dragon groups have a generational stronghold. Boris Johnson is yet to issue a statement on the violence, though officers of the Metropolitan Police are already at hand with anti-riot equipment.

Dragon-saint clashes are continuing across the country at the time of press, and although it is too early to comment on the immediate outcome, it is clear that the cause for better dragon-human relations has suffered a devastating setback.

If you have been affected by the Dragon-Saint clashes of 23/04/2014, and would like to be contacted by The Oracle for witness viewpoints, email theoraclepaper@gmail.com

SIR BRUCE FORSYTH STEPS DOWN FROM HOSTING ‘STRICTLY COME DANCING’ IN ORDER TO FOCUS ON HIS SPOT AS THIS YEAR’S GLASTONBURY SATURDAY HEADLINER

The 86-year old has hosted ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ since its beginnings in 2004, but has said that “my music can’t wait anymore”.

Tributes from across the worlds of music and dancing have been flooding in for the veteran entertainer, with Jack White - who is also performing at this year’s Glastonbury Festival - tweeting: “Shame to hear Bruce leaving Strictly, but great 2 be seeing him @ Glasto!”.

The line-up for the Glastonbury festival was revealed last week, with the Friday and Sunday headliners being named as Arcade Fire and Kasabian respectively. The Saturday headliner was not revealed “due to contractual obligations” until Forsyth broke the news last night at an impromptu jamming session at his mansion in Wiltshire.

"I’ve been thinking about it for a very, very long time," rapped Sir Bruce last night, "and now I can’t hold it back anymore. I will cease to host ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ as of this year, and will be concentrating completely on my music from now on."

Forsyth, who first appeared on the BBC in 1939, has been known to enjoy “old favourites”, including Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra. However, he assured the public last night that his musical tastes have “matured and mutated” since he last took up a mike. How much they differ from his previous stylings is unknown, though recently rumours have started to surface about him being one member of French electronic duo Daft Punk.

Forsyth has never denied these rumours outright, but last night was heard to comment “DP could never drop something half as dope as my beats”.

The impromptu session last night was accompanied by a blanket ban on media coverage, and only those closest to Sir Bruce have heard his newest, “matured and mutated” music.

Nevertheless Emily Eavis, co-organiser of Glastonbury, has no doubts about Forsyth’s prowess:

"He let us hear a little of his stuff a couple of months ago as a birthday present to me, and I was completely and utterly shocked. I felt a little sick afterwards, but it was a good kind of sick. Like after being on a rollercoaster. I knew there and then that we had to have him as the Saturday headliner this year."

Although Forsyth has left ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ for good, it has not left him, he promises: “I’d be a fool not to include some ‘Strictly…’ themed tunes at Glasto this year. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for the return of a certain Ms. Widdecombe.”

WOMAN, 24, URGED TO “GET HER TITS OUT”

Witnesses say request was issued on behalf of “the lads”.

Jess Roberts, who cannot be named for legal reasons, received the entreaty late Saturday night outside a Wetherspoons in Bradford, England.

She was smoking outside the entrance to the chain pub when a group of men across the street issued a formal request for Ms Roberts to “get her tits out”.

The men then repeated this request three times, before reminding Ms Roberts that such an action should be done “for the lads”, if that wasn’t already apparent.

It is claimed that Ms Roberts’ compliance would have rewarded the group of men with a temporary ego- and testosterone-boost, before they realised how shallow and unworthy their existence really is.

However, say experts, this revelation would not have bothered the men for long, as they would probably soon issue another appeal for upper-body nudity only moments later, and in the process bury thoughts of inadequacy deep down.

Eye-witnesses applauded the delivery of the request, calling it a “gutsy, back-to-basics, grassroots chant”, reminiscent of “a neanderthal hunting cry”.

However, others were not so impressed, with Mr Frank Jamieson writing a scathing review of it in The Telegraph, in which he called it “unoriginal, uninspired, and untidy.” Mr Jamieson awarded it 2/5 stars.

Ms Roberts did not acquiesce to the solicitation, and instead retired back inside the door of Wetherspoons. It is expected that she will deliver a full statement some time this week.