SIR BRUCE FORSYTH STEPS DOWN FROM HOSTING ‘STRICTLY COME DANCING’ IN ORDER TO FOCUS ON HIS SPOT AS THIS YEAR’S GLASTONBURY SATURDAY HEADLINER

The 86-year old has hosted ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ since its beginnings in 2004, but has said that “my music can’t wait anymore”.

Tributes from across the worlds of music and dancing have been flooding in for the veteran entertainer, with Jack White - who is also performing at this year’s Glastonbury Festival - tweeting: “Shame to hear Bruce leaving Strictly, but great 2 be seeing him @ Glasto!”.

The line-up for the Glastonbury festival was revealed last week, with the Friday and Sunday headliners being named as Arcade Fire and Kasabian respectively. The Saturday headliner was not revealed “due to contractual obligations” until Forsyth broke the news last night at an impromptu jamming session at his mansion in Wiltshire.

"I’ve been thinking about it for a very, very long time," rapped Sir Bruce last night, "and now I can’t hold it back anymore. I will cease to host ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ as of this year, and will be concentrating completely on my music from now on."

Forsyth, who first appeared on the BBC in 1939, has been known to enjoy “old favourites”, including Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra. However, he assured the public last night that his musical tastes have “matured and mutated” since he last took up a mike. How much they differ from his previous stylings is unknown, though recently rumours have started to surface about him being one member of French electronic duo Daft Punk.

Forsyth has never denied these rumours outright, but last night was heard to comment “DP could never drop something half as dope as my beats”.

The impromptu session last night was accompanied by a blanket ban on media coverage, and only those closest to Sir Bruce have heard his newest, “matured and mutated” music.

Nevertheless Emily Eavis, co-organiser of Glastonbury, has no doubts about Forsyth’s prowess:

"He let us hear a little of his stuff a couple of months ago as a birthday present to me, and I was completely and utterly shocked. I felt a little sick afterwards, but it was a good kind of sick. Like after being on a rollercoaster. I knew there and then that we had to have him as the Saturday headliner this year."

Although Forsyth has left ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ for good, it has not left him, he promises: “I’d be a fool not to include some ‘Strictly…’ themed tunes at Glasto this year. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for the return of a certain Ms. Widdecombe.”

WOMAN, 24, URGED TO “GET HER TITS OUT”

Witnesses say request was issued on behalf of “the lads”.

Jess Roberts, who cannot be named for legal reasons, received the entreaty late Saturday night outside a Wetherspoons in Bradford, England.

She was smoking outside the entrance to the chain pub when a group of men across the street issued a formal request for Ms Roberts to “get her tits out”.

The men then repeated this request three times, before reminding Ms Roberts that such an action should be done “for the lads”, if that wasn’t already apparent.

It is claimed that Ms Roberts’ compliance would have rewarded the group of men with a temporary ego- and testosterone-boost, before they realised how shallow and unworthy their existence really is.

However, say experts, this revelation would not have bothered the men for long, as they would probably soon issue another appeal for upper-body nudity only moments later, and in the process bury thoughts of inadequacy deep down.

Eye-witnesses applauded the delivery of the request, calling it a “gutsy, back-to-basics, grassroots chant”, reminiscent of “a neanderthal hunting cry”.

However, others were not so impressed, with Mr Frank Jamieson writing a scathing review of it in The Telegraph, in which he called it “unoriginal, uninspired, and untidy.” Mr Jamieson awarded it 2/5 stars.

Ms Roberts did not acquiesce to the solicitation, and instead retired back inside the door of Wetherspoons. It is expected that she will deliver a full statement some time this week.

EVERYONE NOW EQUAL TO TRAP THEMSELVES IN A LOVELESS PARTNERSHIP THAT WILL HAUNT THEM UNTIL THEY ARE GRANTED THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

Same-sex marriage was legalised in England and Wales at midnight last night, finally allowing millions of people to legally experience the slow death of their love over a period of wasted years.

At the stroke of midnight, gay couples throughout England and Wales toasted the dawn of a new era; an age in which all people, no matter their sexuality, could legally marry.

The law, which was passed in Parliament last year, came into effect last night, much to the joy of couples such as Peter McGraith and David Cabreza, John Coffey and Bernardo Marti, and Andrew Wale and Neil Allard - all of whom married their respective partners as soon as they were lawfully able.

It heralds a new time of equality for same-sex couples, and has been much lauded by politicians from all the major parties: David Cameron tweeted his congratulations to couples, Ed Milliband said “it’s an incredibly proud time for our country”, and Nick Clegg tried to foolishly assert himself as a politician by thanking “the coalition government”, whatever that is.

Throughout England and Wales, gay men and women are now free to enter into a binding legal contract which will see them forced to spend the rest of their lives regretting the 29th March 2014. They will share the same rights as straight couples: the right to watch your marriage wither and die; the right to lose all belief in human kindness; the right to live in an uneasy partnership until you welcome death like a fresh lover; and most importantly, the right to curse the name of “love” and succumb to the dark embrace of unconditional hate.

"This is a really great time for everyone," said Human Rights Campaigner Peter Tatchell, "Loving couples of all sexualities will now be free to dig black pits for their adoration and bury it deep in the salty earth, allowing tangled weeds of regret to blossom over its grave."

"I’ve been fighting for this moment for all my adult life, and now I can sleep easy knowing that everyone will be as miserable as everyone else."

The Oracle offers its congratulations and sympathies to all those getting married this weekend.

"MH370 WRECKAGE" TURNS OUT TO BE WHAT’S LEFT OF TONY ABBOTT’S INTERGRITY

Items found floating in the ocean 2500km from Perth, Australia, were not in fact wreckage from the missing Malaysian aircraft, MH370. They were, actually, wreckage from what remains of Australian Prime Minister Abbott’s “integrity and sense of common decency”.

Abbott, who was elected to the premiership of Australia last year as head of a Liberal/National Coalition government, announced to the world at large that "the Australian Maritime Safety Authority has received information of objects possibly related to the search [for MH370]".

However, it later transpired that these objects were not the presumed wreckage of the Malaysian jet, but were instead mere remnants of Mr Abbott’s personal integrity.

The state of the Prime Minister’s integrity has been a cause of much alarm in circles of any intelligence, with his hard-line policies on asylum seekers, same-sex marriage, and feminism worrying people across the political spectrum. Indeed, the search for any milk of human kindness in Abbott’s veins would be as elusive and weary as the search for the missing Boeing 777 has been to date.

The general manager of the Australian Maritime Safety Authority, Mr John Young, said of the revelation: “While this will come as a great disappointment to anybody wishing for news of MH370, we should have predicted that the wreckage may indeed have belonged to Mr Abbott’s sense of human decency.

Since his election, we’ve suspected that his integrity must be lying in bits somewhere around the place - weeks after he was brought to office, he blocked a bill for Same-Sex Marriage; he has repeatedly demeaned the role of women in society; he suggested that Aborigines will only find work picking up litter from the streets; and he reacted to the news that an Australian soldier had died with the comment “shit happens”.

With all this and his comment that “climate change is absolute crap”, it’s no wonder that his integrity is lying broken and wrecked in the ocean. In fact, I predict that soon we will find what’s left of his brain bobbing around too.”

Mr Abbott has declined to comment, though the Australian people are apparently hoping to use the wreckage of his integrity to try and construct an alternative leader, one with a moral compass.

“The rain, it raineth every fucking day”
— William Shakespeare

ETHNICALLY RUSSIAN REGION RIGHT NEXT TO RUSSIA VOTES TO BECOME RUSSIAN - EVERYONE APPALLED

Crimea, which sits adjacent to Russia and has a majority Russian population, has in a twist move decided to become a part of Russia.

Much to the rest of the world’s horror, a democratic election has resulted in the people voting for what they want their government to do.

"This isn’t what democracy is about," said US Secretary of State John Kerry, "democracy means doing what the United States of America want you to do, not doing what your people want you to do. For crying out loud, Europe wouldn’t have even heard of democracy if we Americans didn’t bring it over during the war."

Despite international pressure to abandon their democratic right to decide their own fate and let foreign governments do it for them, Crimean voters today decided to secede from Ukraine and join the Russian Federation.

"Can’t they see they’re being manipulated by a foreign power?" asked UK Prime Minister David Cameron, as he threatened sanctions if Russia did not conform to a Western point of view. "Those poor, uneducated people. They can’t possibly decide their own fate, their country isn’t old enough. We must send over the Bullingdon Club to help them."

Meanwhile, Fox News has been criticising the media bias in Russia, claiming that “news isn’t trustworthy if it’s being controlled by one man.”

The referendum, which was welcomed and participated in widely by the people of Crimea, has been declared “illegal” and “illegitimate” by people who it doesn’t affect and who until last month didn’t talk about Crimea unless it was to make a Florence Nightingale joke. 

Many British nationals are saying that the referendum “doesn’t count” because some citizens of Crimea didn’t vote in the referendum, and therefore the result doesn’t reflect the standpoint of the entire population, and might have been different if everyone had voted. Meanwhile, young people across the UK are refusing to vote because Russell Brand told them not to, and besides - what difference does it make?

The West has condemned Russian interference in the referendum, saying that it cannot be seen as legitimate as Putin pressured the Crimean people to vote to join him. In other, unrelated news, David Cameron is to deliver a speech in Edinburgh next month to try and pressure the Scottish people to vote to join him.

"Referendums aren’t fair if statesmen from uninvolved countries try and swing the vote to go the way they want," said US President Barack Obama, "and that is why we will challenge this referendum until the Crimean people come back to our side. There are only two sides in this argument; the right side, and the wrong side. History and politics only ever have two sides, there are never any shades of grey or topics for discussion. Also, we’re on the right side. I mean, we’re the West - of course we’re right."

If The Oracle hasn’t made its point clear by now, follow this link: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hypocrite 

BREAKING NEWS: FLIGHT MH370 TO STAGE “COMEBACK TOUR” OF CHINESE GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS

Missing Malaysian flight MH370 is busy “preparing for a comeback tour” that will see it visiting government buildings across China, says a press release issued earlier.

The Boeing 777, with 239 people on board, disappeared a week ago en route from Kuala Lumpur to Beijing. The passengers were made up of 14 different nationalities, the majority - 153 - being Chinese; the staff and crew, however, were all Malaysian. 

Speculation about its fate has been wild and all-encompassing, with theories ranging from hijacking to technical faults, and from alien activity to natural disasters.

However, reports emerged earlier today that the plane’s tracking device was deliberately turned off early on in the flight - prompting the Malaysian government to suggest at a conference that the flight had indeed been hijacked, rather than fallen victim to natural causes. This accompanied an official statement regarding the flight path of the plane, attesting that it is believed to have abandoned its planned route and turned westwards - without notifying air traffic control. The Malaysian Prime Minister issued a statement saying that “these movements are consistent with deliberate action by someone on the plane”.

However, much to everyone’s surprise, a radio press release was issued shortly after the conference from an individual who claimed to be “MH370’s touring manager”. The individual, who called himself Mr M, dismissed claims that the aircraft was damaged in any way, and instead assured listeners that “MH370 is as ready to rock as it ever was”.

Claiming to be speaking from the plane itself, Mr M went on to explain the mysterious goings-on:

"We understand everyone’s frustration at the lack of transparency regarding MH370’s future plans, but I hope you all realise that we needed to make sure everything was ready before we made anything public. To that end, we cut off all communication with the outside world so that we could all get our heads down and focus on what will be a tiring couple of months for everyone involved.

For, it is my great pleasure to be able to announce that Flight MH370 will be staging a comeback tour later this month, as a ‘thank you’ to all those who never gave up on us. MH370 will be delivering five shows across China, and tickets will be allotted at random to citizens and public officials across the nation. We can confirm that the tour will be hitting government buildings as a priority, but if we can find the time we will be sure to accommodate civilian structures too. That’s all from us for now, but keep your eyes and ears open for more news!”

The press release finished with a recording of Steppenwolf’s 1968 hit, “Born to Be Wild”.

Though reports coming out of Malaysia are still sketchy, the Prime Minister is said to be “relieved” and “ready to rock”. 


Tony Benn trying to have a conversation with David Cameron.

Don’t normally reblog, but this is just in our line of thinking. 
Tony Benn trying to have a conversation with David Cameron.

Don’t normally reblog, but this is just in our line of thinking. 
Tony Benn trying to have a conversation with David Cameron.

Don’t normally reblog, but this is just in our line of thinking. 
Tony Benn trying to have a conversation with David Cameron.

Don’t normally reblog, but this is just in our line of thinking.

Tony Benn trying to have a conversation with David Cameron.

Don’t normally reblog, but this is just in our line of thinking.

(via mcflea007)

MALAYSIAN JET REPORTED TO HAVE “GONE LOOKING FOR PUTIN’S LEGAL RIGHT TO BE IN UKRAINE”

"Could be gone for decades," sources say.

The missing Malaysian jet plane, flight number MH370, has reportedly gone to find any legal or moral precedent for Russian President Vladimir Putin’s intervention in the Ukrainian region of the Crimea.

Diverted from its normal flight pattern three days ago, the passenger plane has since been off radar and no traces of it have been found - despite claims that debris could be seen in the ocean. Relatives of the 239 passengers on board had been warned to “expect the worst”.

However, new evidence has been released today showing that the jet plane has been diverted by order from the UN to go in search for any ‘real’ claim Russia has to any part of the Ukraine.

"We sent three UN inspectors to board the plane on Saturday, in order to direct the pilot as best they could to find Putin’s legal rights for this invasion of the Crimea," said UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon, "but so far they have had no luck. It may be that the plane will be gone for decades searching for some legal or moral right Putin has to seize portions of another country."

Reports say that the plane has already flown straight past the airspaces of “Democratic Right”, “Moral Right”, and “Legal Right”, and is now headed straight for “Good Ol’ Nationalism and Imperialism” in an attempt to see if any motives lie there.

"While Putin can claim that the invasion of Ukraine is a completely democratic effort, we have already got feedback from flight MH370 saying that there is no mention of Russia in the airspace of "Democratic Right" - indeed, there has been no mention of Russia in that particular airspace for decades," continued Ban Ki-moon.

"As soon as the plane finds any legal right Russia has to the Crimea that isn’t tainted by the fact they marched in there with armed soldiers, it will be sent back," he concluded.

Experts say that the passengers and crew of MH370 are most definitely “in for the long haul”.

BBC THREE AXED FROM TELEVISIONS; NATIONAL IQ SOARS

As the decision to cut BBC3 down from a television service to a mere online presence is finalised, people nationwide are reported to be feeling “happier, lighter, and generally more intelligent”.

Such feelings are being attributed by many scientists to be a “hive-mind” reaction to the partial closure of that mosaic of crap, BBC Three.

With such shows as ‘Are You Fitter Than A Pensioner?’, ‘Bizarre Animal ER’, ‘Sun, Sex, And Suspicious Parents’, and ‘TittyTittyBangBang’ now being banished to the nether regions of the internet, it is expected that the national IQ - already rising just in anticipation of the cancellation - will hit new, meteoric highs.

"We expect to see a large increase in the average intelligence across the country following the cancellation of BBC3," said Dr Pauline Chan of Bristol University, "mainly due to the fact the viewing population will no longer have turgid, bacteria-ridden, toilet-humour-heavy, crap-stag-night television pumped directly into their brain."

Tony Hall, Director General of the BBC, said that “the decision to axe BBC Three was a very hard one. However, I do not regret it at all and hope that this may go someway to restoring Britain as a world superpower.”

Alex Salmond, leader of the Scottish National Party, has said that he may consider cancelling the Independence Referendum if BBC Three stays abolished: “A Britain without Lee Nelson is a Britain we are willing to be a part of,” he said today.

While many are mourning the loss of classic comedy such as ‘Russell Howard’s Good News’, they are to be reminded that the same comedic value can be garnered by punching yourself in the head while watching the real, grown-up news.

Lord Hall also said that the budget slashed from BBC Three will be used to help drama on BBC One - this may mean that viewers can expect more than one series of Sherlock every decade.